Trying for happy . . .

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don’t always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives ~anonymous

Two weeks ago my counselor asked me to write peters to my sons, so here goes.

Dear Jonathan,

I’m not sure what to say other than I’m sad that missed what could have been. I think about you probably a dozen times a day. I think about seeing you and picking out the certain characteristics that would have been from me our your dad. I just didn’t think that I could ever miss and love a person that I have never met as much I do you and Kellan. I want to apologize and say how extremely sorry and guilty I feel that I dont know were you are that I wasn’t prepared for the responsibility to lay you to rest. I was not ready to not be a mom.

Oh my baby boy, I did more for you during a time when I felt so alone and so lost because I had been through that pain before. I thought my pregnancy with you would have been different, especially when felt you move. That to me brought such optimism and then the worse happened. I regret being selfish but I will always feel that I wanted my kids with us.

Its really hard to go about this situation. I guess it’s hard to explain why I’m hurt. I feel out on my chest the same feeling you get when of your parents or favorite aunts tell you that they are dissapointed in you. Like someone physically broke my heart. The feeling is a bit like someone punching you in the chest in front of a.crowd of people and they all start to laugh and point. But should it hurt this much really? I mean after all we were just “friends”. That line was the one that shut me up, because we were not in a relationship, but I at least I thought I was more than a “friend”. I feel almost as if I was held to the side, until someone else came along and believe me when I say its not a great feeling. Especially when he chooses.

Today will just be one of my ditch days. This whole campaign of trying for happy seems just a bit harder than I can handle. If its not one thing its another. I’ve come to figure out that my choice in who I let close to me comes at a price. Tears and heartache. I just can’t seem to get this best friend thing down. I’m tired of trying for other people and their not trying for me. I think I’m just tired of trying altogether though. I really don’t.know what I mean. I think what pisses me off the most is that once again the he chooses someone else over how if makes me feel.